Is it okay for someone to break-up with their girlfriend, boyfriend,
wife, or husband over the internet? I
started to really ponder this question while doing this week’s reading, Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover. There are a few examples
that the author uses to illustrates how people have broken things off over
text or email and how it made certain users feel. The example that stood out to me was the
exchange between Halle and Doug. To
summarize, Doug broke up with Halle over text because he was in love with
another girl, Rianna, whom they've both joked around about over text prior to
their break-up. Because of the nature of
their texts, it took awhile for Halle to actually realize that Doug wasn’t kidding. It seems as though breaking up over text can lead to confusion.
This is something I usually criticize. I don’t like it (personally) when people
break things off over text if they were in a serious relationship. From what I’ve seen, it leads to closure
issues, or people not getting why or how.
The message isn’t clear. This
leads to the idea of media ideology that the author talks about. Media ideology is how we label certain media
in terms of informal or formal. For instance,
I consider texting or using social media to communicate with friends, like Snapchat,
examples of informal media. Whereas,
face-to-face communicate, video chat, or in some cases, over the phone, I would
consider more formal. Therefore, when I
text my girlfriend, it's usually exchanging jokes or idle talk, per say. But if one of us ever decided to end things,
I would want in to be face-to-face, or, at the very least, over video chat, but
even that would be pushing it for me.
But how about others out there? Which type of media do you consider to be more
formal and more informal? And is there
any media formal enough that breaking up would be considered okay, or, does a
person have a responsibility to end things face-to-face, assuming that they
have the ability to do so?
It’s probably most people’s first instinct to disagree with breaking up via text (or any digital medium, for that matter). It’s impersonal. It’s abrupt. It’s a slap in the face to the intimacy that two people have cultivated, made worse by how many years they’ve been together. But I think the real question is, can there be acceptable reasons for ending a relationship so abruptly?
ReplyDeleteWhat if you find out your SO is cheating? Or committed some crime? Or learned, beyond any doubt, they did something you consider morally appalling? I say a text is perfect. Give it to them. If they cheated on you, they don’t deserve any formality. And would you really want to talk to them face-to-face, anyway?
I think that there are a lot of dense people out there who don’t understand the informality of sending a text to break up with a long-term SO, but I also think that people can use that limited medium to send a very jarring message: I’m ending this, no discussion. Thinking about it, it’s interesting that the lack of ‘media richness’ in a medium can make it especially powerful when used in this way.
I appreciated the original post, but am keenly interested in your reply, Trevor. My understanding of your perspective is that an abrupt breakup text is appropriate for ending things if the cause for ending is severe enough. While I might agree on a personal level, I can't help but point at that even your opinion speaks to your own media ideology. You say that sending a simple "We're done" text would be enough to thoroughly communicate the heart of the message - that being that they cheated/committed a crime/violated (your)morals and have therefor precipitated a sudden break up. This is because you feel it is. One major point of this reading is that individuals receive both messages and mediums differently. They may receive that message and, despite what they may have done, not connect the dots. They may not receive the text as "jarring" so much as confusing. There could still be room for questioning or misunderstanding, as the original blog post pointed out, and thus lead to confusion about the state of the relationship or its diffusion.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very long, detailed way of saying that while it might satisfy you to send an "I'm ending this" text and have it be the end of things, there is no guarantee your audience shares your media ideology and would receive it the same way. You'd very likely still be met with questions, confusion and unwanted text replies.
I do believe there are circumstances when simplicity and brevity during a breakup are required. Instances of abuse, unhealthy relationship dynamics or issues of safety all require doing whatever is necessary to remove the danger from the situation. However, outside of those, I do think a certain amount of explanation and space for closure conversations are necessary. And I believe those usually cannot be achieved over text.
I think it depends on the relationship, but if you know your SO, you definitely have an idea of their texting habits and media ideology. It's the people who know us best that can hurt us the most, right? (Just a note: thankfully, this has never happened to me.)
DeleteYou've got me wondering if giving a lover the stiff shoulder happened in more primitive mediums in the past. I wonder how the first poor sap who got broken up with over a Telegram felt?
I have never thought to much about what Trevor is saying because I am so against breaking up over the phone. But after reading what he had to say made me start to think. If I was in the situation of my significant other cheating on me, would I actually send a breakup text? I have never been cheated on but I have seen friends be cheated on and I've seen them get texts from their girlfriends wanting to break up and it’s honestly not a good site to see. But I feel like there is reasons for people to do it.
ReplyDeleteI personally would never do it. But if stuff got to such a point and the only option was sending a text because you know it could get out of hand in person. it might be a safer route. Its not a noble one but it does get the job done I guess you can say. But if its a long term relationship I feel like thats a very cowardly act. Being so attached to their lives and doing the makes someone feel very worthless. But people love to hide behind their phones so they don't have to deal with it in reality so that won’t always happen.
I agree with what you had said in this post. Breaking up with a person over technology is usually not the best way to go about it. I think that people chose to break up over text is because it is easier. You don’t have to see the person and have that uncomfortable talk. You can just text them. Also, you are not really able to see emotion through texting. I could see how some people would think that it was a joke like the example that was given. I think that there are some exceptions to this though. My friend had dated someone in college and then they had graduated. They weren’t together very long and the long distance just wasn’t working. He decided to break up with her and he did so over Facetime. He would have had to drive hours just to talk to her. I think that this is an exception because you can still see emotion and how someone is feeling over Facetime rather than text. He didn’t text her to breakup with her so they were able to have closure. I think that it is usually something that is hard for someone to do and also an uncomfortable situation for everyone.
ReplyDelete